Sabr is not Suffering in Silence #2

Sabr is not Suffering in Silence – Part 2

See also Transcript Part 1 |  Part 3 [View the sketchy notes at the bottom, by SketchyUmmah.com]
A part of taking care of our body that belongs to Allah is not letting anyone harm it, not letting anyone oppress it, not letting anyone take over it.

So we have to be careful to see it (our body) in this context. It is an amanah (a trust) Allah has given you; your dignity, your body, your health. All of these things were given to you by Allah for one single purpose, to use it for the sake of worshiping Him.

Trusts We Will be Asked About

Your body was created to worship Allah, not to be anyone’s punching bag. So this is an Islamic duty for you to take care of what Allah (SWT) has given you.

The other aspect here is that your children are also an amanah. If there is someone who is harming your children it is upon you to stop that. And you will be asked what you did in order to protect your children. Your children are also a trust and you have to keep that in mind.

Don’t think that, no matter what the situation is, that just by staying together is better for the children. By no means is that true. For a child to grow up in an abusive household or in an abusive relationship is in fact far greater harm for that child than to come from a broken home or a family where parents are divorced. You have to think about all the consequences not only for yourself but for one’s children growing up in an abusive household. And those consequences are very deep.

One of these consequences is that the children who grow up in abusive households psychologists find what is called a psycho abuse. What that means is that someone who is abused as a child grows up and becomes an abuser.

So however you are treated as a child, you grow up and you treat your children the same way, you treat other people the same way. What you are doing is when you allow your children to grow up in an abusive household it is more likely for them to also become abusers as they grow up and in their own relationships. And that is not something obviously that you want for your children.

They are learning the same patterns they see around them from their parents; how do you deal with anger (the way they see how their mother or father deal with anger). These are things we learn from our parents, these are things we learn from our environment. How do we deal with anger, how do we deal with disappointments, how do we treat other people, these are things that were taught to us. And so you have to be very careful not to teach your children those types of patterns of behavior.

Against Abuse

On the other hand, along the lines of the abuse’s effect on the children is one effect which is not physical. Obviously there are many physical effects. If someone abuses your children you cannot allow that. You cannot say it’s better for them to stay as long as it is not a broken home. It’s Ok. It’s better for them to be abused, physically, emotionally or verbally. We cannot think that way. It is absolutely more detrimental for the child to be either emotionally or physically abused than to actually be separated from that house, from that environment.

And with regards to physical abuse vs. psychological abuse and verbal abuse, it is important also to realize that studies find the psychological abuse, the emotional abuse, actually have the longest effect even more than physical one. So it’s important not to sort of devalue how important or rather how detrimental abuse can be. Just because it’s not physical doesn’t mean it does not have any negative and long lasting effect on the child or on the human being.

Physical abuse perhaps can heal once the wound heals. However psychological or verbal abuse is something that the victim internalizes. So if the victim is told again and again they are worthless, they are stupid, they can’t do anything or no one loves them, this kinds of things stay with the human being. And as they grow it is very hard to unlearn those things, as they have a very lasting effect on the human being. You have to protect yourself and protect your children from this type of abuse. It’s extremely important.

Now I’m going to talk about the ultimately most important consequence of abuse and why it’s so dangerous is the effect it has on one’s Iman (faith). We are told so much that it’s actually holier being a better Muslim if you stay. But in fact it has a detrimental effect on your Iman. Many sheikhs told me that most of the children and youth who end up leaving Islam came from abusive households. And what happens is they see this abuse, they grow up in it, and they start to hate everything associated with that life, including Islam.

So what they start to do is they connect Islam to the abuse. They connect Islam and the culture to the abusive self and they start to just hate it all. And actually these people who actually leave Islam or at the very least will hate Islam as they associate Islam with that abusive lifestyle; that ugly attitude and ugly behavior they had experienced. And you see this a lot. Actually you are not helping their Iman, rather you may be affecting their religion by allowing them to grow up in such a household.

Harming Faith

Now I want to bring in the concept of what is your ilah (GOD)? What is it that revolves your life around? When we say la illah illa Allah (there’s no God but Allah), what we are really saying? What we are saying is that there’s nothing worthy of our worship except for Allah, exalted is He. But be very careful; worship does not only mean what you pray to, but the concept of worship can really be discovered when you ask yourself a few questions: What do you think about most? What do you fear most? What do you love most? What is the first thing you think about when you get up in the morning? What is the last thing you think about before you sleep? What keeps you awake at night? What does not allow you to sleep, or to eat? What is it that makes you most upset, cry? What is it that you think about when you are praying?

When you think about the answers to all of these questions, and when you find someone who is abused or in an abusive relationship, chances are the answers to a lot of these questions, if not all of these questions, is that other person.

When you are in an abusive relationship what you are thinking about first thing in the morning is that person, what are they going to do to me today? How do I avoid getting abused today?

The last thing they think about before they sleep is that very person. What are they going to do with me tomorrow? What can I do to avoid such and such?

What you are thinking about while you are praying? The same thing. What are you most afraid of?

You are no longer most afraid of Allah (SWT). Your greatest fear is no longer Allah (SWT) and needing Him on the Day of Judgment. Is Allah displeased with me? Is He angry with me? Instead your greatest fear is this person angry with me? Is this person displeased with me? And is this person going to punish me? And this is a serious problem because it should never be another person that we fear most. It should never be another person that we think about most. It should be Allah (SWT) that we fear most and think about most. And it should only be Him that we are worried if He is angry or if He is displeased with us and if He is going to punish us.

We should not be worrying about standing in front of another person, but should be worried about standing in front of Allah (SWT).

So if we have taken that place of fear and thought and all those things and give it to another person that is absolutely an injustice to your own self. That is absolutely wrong. That is almost like a form of worship because you have taken what belongs to Allah (SWT); the fear, the mental and emotional and psychological effort and investment that belongs to Allah (SWT), and you have given it to another person. And that is oppression on every level. That is oppression against your own self. You were created to give that to Allah, exalted is He, alone.

You were created to worship Allah (SWT), fear Him, not another person. That is extremely important to understand. The real meaning of la illah illa Allah (there’s no God but Allah), along with that concept of tawheed is that Allah is at the centre of my life; at the centre of my thoughts, at the centre of my fears, at the centre of my hopes and at the centre of my love …

Sketch on Sabr